Did not know about the Maharashtra 50 fact. There should be another article on what celebrations did the political parties did on this occasion

It never takes a pleasant ending.

Looking around myself, I see people happy. I only see those who are happy because I casually ignore the others; the unhappy. Human psychology? Perhaps thats the reason I am unable to notice myself; my existence loses meaning. Beauty lies in the eyes of the beholder, but what about the ‘not so beautiful’? Seconds, minutes, hours, days, weeks, months and years pass by hoping for success. I sensed it was not suppose to succeed but was it that easy to vanish from under my nose?

Hope is what drives life within ourselves but what happens when the hope dies? Dreams are to be seen but never expected to be realized. Why then do we hope for ‘hope’ to materialize? I sit today at the edge of a cliff with a knife stabbed deep into my heart. No, no one did it other than me. When I look up I only see darkness and when I look ahead there is only fire. There are no doors to go back, there is no starting all over again. I came here from nowhere and there is no route that can take me back to nowhere. If this is a dream, it better be over. I pinch my self hard to realize it does not hurt; not because I am dreaming but because my senses have refused to responde to me. My inner self refuses to be with me. My soul had declared long back that I dont deserve to live in harmony with it, yet I tried. And this time I did try my best – not to hurt anyone who now lives within me. The bonds that I create with fellows around me have always been special. Their roots dig deep into myself touching my heart and my soul. Yet, I manage to uproot such strong engagements with such ease. It takes a matter of a very few minutes to fall from 8000 mts from the sky although even an aircraft takes more than a quarter of an hour to reach that height. I jumped out of it, I was not pushed, neither did I have a parachute nor did I intend to be safe. The next thing I knew was that I am hanging at the edge of this cliff.

It is rightly said that what is not mine matters the most. I know I am honest when I write because I can express myself constructively. It was not before I spoke the truth that I died. Sometimes truth does do more harm to you than a lie. I once used to be scared of facing the truth, of declaring the real myself and of accepting what I am. It was only during the past few months that I learnt to be honest; I didnt need to be the false self – not intentionally. I was being myself probably for the first time in my life and I was accepted myself that way. During the start of it, I explained to her what I think of myself because I wanted it to be real. I didnt want it to work out under the shadow. I presented my real self but of course even my real self had some stains. And I was gettin ready to wash those with time. When the question was asked, I thought we were ready for it. I thought we will pull it through. I thought truth does do good to me because it had been so for the past few months. I coudnt cry that day because I coudnt believe what was happening. I fired a gun in the dark and it hit the wrong target. I was charged of treachery, of misconduct and of being malacious. All I was, was being loyal. I knew I would have to clean my stains with her help but only with time. And time itself outdid me. The timing was imperfect and the delivery was improper. I made a mistake and while I was under the impression that I was doing very well with my life and someone elses, I made a mockery of ‘us’.

It was magical. The stars and the times were with us then why didnt I play my part properly? Am I a cheater? I knew I dont make a good partner but I was trying my best. This is the best I had ever done. I tried my every bit to make it special, more than anything I had ever done. And it all ended in vain; least expected, least celebrated, most serious blow to my self. I have been in many relationship before and I have never been affected by a breakup, then why now? She was the one who gave me the strength to try to improve myself and I disolved all of it in one go. Perhaps her importance makes me feel so low. I dont expect her to trust me, I dont expect her to love me but I expect her to be with me. She gave me strength to move on out of my ‘those days’. Yes, I am selfish and there is nothing wong in it. I am ready to do whatever it takes to be with her because I do love her. What is love, I do not know but this need to be with someone has never happened to me before. The insecurity that I am living in this day has new to me. I dont want to end this because it is very special for me.

I forget everytime I write or think or speak that it has ended. Each time I try to hope if something can be done about it. I hope if I can be given another chance because I realize the importance. I didnt understand the importance of the reason to tell for which I am a cheater; It was like a past and I thought past did not matter because I was someone else now. Change came naturally to me and things worked in the best way on their own. Should I let such a beautiful thing go because I made a mistake? I can make a mistake because I am a human. And we learn from our mistakes, that is what we were together for. I will never be able to love anyone because my inner self has left me. I never trusted myself but in the past few months I did begin to find myself in a positive way. Today, I hate myself more than I ever hated myself. I do end up hurting my close ones and I repeated it all over again. It scares me; makes me scared of myself because I do not mean to do it. I do not intend to hurt anyone for that case and the irony is that I end up hurting the closest one the most.

I am no god but a human with defects and improportions. I dont know if anyone can accept me with my defects. Maybe not her, maybe not anyone. No one, I am alone and I am going to remain like that. I was off material pleasures and I pretended to be going around with someone, then why did I break those promises with myself? Why did it happen? Why did it stop?

I dont know what do I expect, what I want and what I will have. Only time, which has not been very kind on me, can tell.

R